March 12, 2005

Love Gone Wrong

When Love Hurts

I've taken a few days away to think about what really matters to me. As an impassioned woman of color, I tend to wear the worries of the world on my heart. Watching the local, national and international news, plus reading a plethora of online news links, I find myself internalizing a lot of the pain that happens across this globe. I care about people, especially children. When I come across stories about abuse, (sexual, verbal, or physical), I cringe. How can we be so horrible to one another? Why do people do the things they do?

Yesterday, an Atlanta man, being tried a 2nd time on rape charges, killed a judge, court reporter, and a deputy before fleeing from the scene.

Nichols, the man accused of killing three people in a courthouse rampage Friday, was on trial on charges he burst into the woman's home with a loaded shotgun, bound her with duct tape and repeatedly sexually assaulted her.

The fact that he is a black man saddens me, angers me, and horrifies me. What made this man snap? Why was he so sadistic? Why kill innocent people?

At the core of this is domestic violence. Although the stigma has lessened so that victims are more apt to seek help, the statistics are still staggering. According to the National Center of the Victims of Crime, an estimated 50 women are victimized by an intimate EVERY HOUR.

50 women that are abused by someone they care about. 50 women that are hit or beaten by a loved one. 50 women that are the victims of verbal abuse. One woman, too many.

Verbal abuse can be just as bad as physical violence. Hurtful words leave a voiceprint on the mind and can erode the self esteem of the victim. Allowing someone to disrespect your boundaries is the 1st step into victimization.

We teach people how to treat us. Unless we as women demand respect from our partners, we will lose ground and become vulnerable to those that prey on those whose kindness is taken for weakness.

Laci Peterson and Lori Hacking were just two of the news stories that went national of pregnant women that were killed or beaten by their husbands or boyfriends. Here are some of the names that aren’t so well known.

Liliana Alvarez, 19

Xian Quian Cheung, 41:,0,346121.story?coll=ny-nynews-headlines

Una Brady, 43

Lana Holbrook, 40

Those are just a SAMPLE from this week.

The Surgeon General of the United States reports that domestic violence causes more injury to adult women than cancers, heart attacks, or strokes.

There is help out there. Call the Domestic violence hotline @ 1-800-799-7233.

Here is their website

Please don’t become a statistic. Call the number. Thank God I did.



Craig said...

Sometimes ya gotta turn the channel, glad I came across your blog, but I'm goin' go listen to some Vivaldi now.

Andrae said...

Thank goodness someone has raised the spectre of domestic violence. It has become the "silent statistic" of modern times and is well underreported. However, there is a new area of domestic violence that is on the increase - same-sex domestic violence. In the past five years, many surveys show an ten-fold increase of these specific incidences. Whatever happened to respecting each other as an individual? How about treating that person as an equal? Domestic violence can be traced to societal pressures of conformity. Men and women in a relationship have certain roles that reinforce certain social mores. Men are the dominant role in most relationship while women should "submit" to authority or else. When that fine line between social subordination and independence is aggravated, then cases of domestic violence arises. Simply put, regardless of the relationship, violence doesn't solve anything. Talk it out or seek counseling. Thanks!

PrinceofChosenThought said...

Two points come to mind, distressed socioeconomic and violentization (yes its a word). Maladaptive environments are precursors for aggressive and abusive forms of behavior in particularly,domestic violence. Within this environment creates a mental fatigue that hinders full thought process of the choices and consequences of a persons behavior towards himself or another. Yes, domestic violence happens in other socioeconomic brackets as well, but someone else can expound on that. We also have to look at the violentization or brutalization of males towards women. Studies now indicate that many sexual aggressors are either coached, subjugated or even trained by environment this form of behavior. As a result, African males tend to be highly concentrated in this enviornment and become highly targeted and predicted to model violent behavior.


America itself is "Domestically Violent" ..... violence begets violence?

Anonymous said...

It just don't make no sense dough!

H.D. Campbell said...

Wow this message makes you think. As a man, it makes us look deep within ourselves and gives an opporunity to know what NOT TO DO AS A REAL MAN. There is so much going on in the world we as man can dedicate our energies to positively. I pray for that man in Atlanta that he finds some kind of peace but I truly doubt it. Somewhere deep down he feels he's justified in what he's done. I'm going to end this by saying, that if you as a man feel you have to put your hands on a woman, take a deep look at yourself and please get help.

Greg Chamberlain said...

First, and foremost we need to be clear as to what and how domestic violence is metered in our society.

Most people simple think of a man beating a woman when we have discussion based around domestic assaults, but there is a whole nother component to this saga that is hardly every spoken on. That being men who are abused beat up) by their spouse or girlfriend.

For Example:

Very little in known about the actual number of men who are in a domestic relationship in which they are abused or treated violently by women. In 100 domestic violence situations approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men. An estimated 400,000 women per year are abused or treated violently in the United States by their spouse or intimate partner. This means that roughly 300,000 to 400,000 men are treated violently by their wife or girl friend.

Also note:

In 1974, a study was done which compared male and female domestic violence. In that study, it was found that 47% of husbands had used physical violence on their wives, and 33% of wives had used violence on their husbands (Gelles 1974). Half of the respondents in this study were selected from either cases of domestic violence reported to the police, or those identified by the social service agency.

Also in 1974, a study was released showing that the number of murders of women by men (17.5% of total homicides) was about the same as the number of murders of men by women (16.4% of total homicides). This study (Curtis 1974), however, showed that men were three times as likely to assault women as vice-versa. These statistics came from police records.

Lastly consider as a reference:

BACKLASH AND THE FACT OF BATTERED HUSBANDS by James Sniechowski, Ph.D. and Judith Sherven, Ph.D.

The image of a battered wife is firmly established in the national consciousness. In the aftermath of the Nicole Simpson murder (we've nearly forgotten about Ron Goldman), the national media almost exclusively portrayed the male as the brutal, overpowering, must-be-stopped perpetrator of domestic violence and the female as the helpless, innocent victim, deserving our collective sympathies. That situation may be accurate in some instances and should not be tolerated. However, to consider the possibility of a battered husband is so far from our national image of men as to be laughable. Nevertheless, many studies have been done that demonstrate the reality of the husband who has been assaulted and seriously injured by his wife or girlfriend.

As you can see there is plenty to talk about under the topic of what is actual perceptions on the subject of domestic assaults/violence. As we can see there seems to be plenty of problems with either sex. Dialog certainly helps, but only if we are willing to look at real situations that present problems for men and women alike.

mrtalley said...

....what's even sadder is the fact that at time's we weigh charactaristics of a person before understanding the action. Subconsciously whenever something bad happens lower breath will udder.."damn i hope he/she wud'n black". Plain and simple one thing i'll always remember my mother saying is..."if you've got a choice between right&wrong, choose right". By gift, for me this is morally visable. A person shouldnt be mistreated, simply because that's not right (period). If you come in contact with a person who doesnt value this simple statement what good can they mean you. Love God, Love God in you, then love me and know the love in me is the same.

...that's how i walk..


...oh and i'm not supposed to say this...but BEAUTIFUL site sepia'ness =)

SxxxyBlckBtch said...


SxxxyBlckBtch said...

*never *earth.. damn ya'll sorry.. these are my corrections... lol